So today I was reading Aspies for Freedom, and I came across a thread from a student with asperger's who just started college. He mentioned some of the problems he was having and asked for support and reassurance. I responded with a bit about my experience, basically just relating to what he said. I've just gone back and reread my post, and I don't even recognize myself. The kind of attitude I have is so negative and pessimistic, and I know that's how people think I am because I complain so much, but I am REALLY NOT. If I took a pessimistic attitude about my life I would probably kill myself. I wouldn't be able to deal with it. When you have as many fundamental flaws in the things that affect your quality of life (like your health, your support system, etc-- you know, the things I don't have), you HAVE to be optimistic or you won't make it. I complain about things so that I can make fun of them, so that I can vent it out and keep moving forward. I am optimistic to a fault, there is nothing that I don't believe I can fix and make better. I take every problem I hit head on with the expectation that I WILL make it better, which is really a lot of pressure to be under. That's just the way that I am. I know that it doesn't create the image of an optimistic person, but I generally have an almost delusional positive outlook on things.

But you'd never know that if you read what I said on AFF this morning.

"I am in my last year at my university now. This year is much more exhausting than last year was. I feel like I am walking around naked all the time, like everybody can see that there is something "wrong" with me and I can't cover it up-- and at least sometimes that is probably quite true. I really related to what you said when you mentioned steeling yourself to go to breakfast and then being unable to do it. I do that every day for everything I do, going to meals, going to class, going to appointments, contacting professors, etc and so forth. I manage to do most things, except go to the cafeteria-- that is additionally stressful because it is so loud and busy there that I wolf down my food and run out and then get sick from eating too fast, and I am allergic to milk so I can't eat most of the food anyway. But the result is like some sort of wound is just being continually ripped open and getting more and more raw... I think that's a good way to put it... society just rubs me raw. I'm not sure what advice to give you. I just tell myself that at the end of the day, I must be successful. I don't have to be happy or comfortable, I just have to be successful, and I only have to live like that for four years and then I can forget I ever had to do this. So I am able to force myself to do most of the things I need to do, even though they are physically painful. I really don't think that's the best attitude to have, but I don't know what else to do."

That just isn't Jill. I don't know how to be Jill, the way I know her to be, and still do this.