So, I founded a club at my school earlier this semester for students with disabilities. It is really important to me to empower disabled students and to make them feel at home here, and at this school they REALLY need that. It's hard for such gifted students to understand how someone could have a learning or developmental disability and still be just as smart as they are. They need a group on campus to go to that gets it.

I am getting really frustrated with it. We had 15 members at our first meeting in January and now have anywhere from 6-10 at our meetings. That isn't a big deal to me, I expected as much. But those 6-10 keep showing up every week but will not get involved, or they'll only do the bare minimum. I feel like I'd be getting a hell of a lot more done if I just did everything by myself.

Twice now they have committed to something and almost nobody followed through. One thing was my idea, one was theirs. We agreed, at my suggestion, to make a list of Do and Dont type things for professors to help them understand how an LD student should be treated, because they are regularly breaking university policy and embarrassing students in front of the whole class and discouraging other LD students from disclosing. We worked on it during the meeting and then, at the suggestion of the VP, agreed we'd brainstorm about it during the week and post more ideas to the facebook. Not one person did it.

So I made a survey for them to fill out about what expectations they had for the club that had been met, and what expectations they had that haven't been met, wondering if I'd just gone off on my own tangent and wasn't doing what they wanted to be doing.. The bottom line is that everyone wants more "fun" activities and for things to be more laid back, but they want to get more work done, too.

Okay. Contradiction number 1.

Now we have broken into committees that meet separately during the week to get shit done, at their suggestion, so we have more time for fun at the meetings. We've only done it once but that appears to be working pretty well. The committee I sit on met on Monday and the four of them decided they wanted to go to the basketball game today instead of meeting. I asked them if they really wanted to go and thought it would be fun. They said yes. I posed it to the rest of the group, they agreed.

NOBODY WENT.

I don't know what these people want from me. I feel taken advantage of. We had business to take care of this week that didn't get done because they insisted they wanted to go to the basketball game and then everyone found something better to do. Even all three of the other officers. I was too sick to go and my second, third, and fourth in command were all absent.

This is so frustrating, honestly. This summer I think I am just going to work on everything by myself. The club is never going to get off the ground if people don't get shit done, but they are not happy enough to work together no matter what I do. I literally asked them, "what do you want?" but they don't actually want what they say they want. I don't know what I am supposed to be doing to please them. It seems like nobody cares as much as I do, and that's totally fine with me, but we have to at least commit to the bare minimum here and I don't even have that anymore. I don't know why they're bothering.

Just kidding. Things are not better. I am tired of not having any friends and wish I never had to socialize with anyone ever so I wouldn't notice. This sucks. Terrible hard to deal with things are supposed to pass. It has been 20 years and it's probably not going anywhere. I am tired of this. I don't know how I am supposed to make it an entire lifetime being treated like I am an alien unworthy of friendship or even kindness. I don't want to be around people anymore if that is how they are going to make me feel. But I don't have a choice. It's hard to look at an aspect of your life, probably any aspect really, at 20 years old and think, "this is as good as it's going to get."

If this is as good as it gets I don't want "it."

Waiting...

Things are going a little bit better. I am just waiting to get all the documentation I need for my academic standards board petition. I'd like to start working on the part of the appeal that I have to write, but it'll be hard to do that before seeing my documentation from the autism center. Even though I know what difficulties I have, I don't know what I have a medical professional backing me up on yet, and they'll want undeniable proof about everything I say. Hopefully the documentation paperwork is something I can work with. Last time I was able to talk to the psychologist who wrote my report, for my LD screening, and get it customized to suit my needs for the petition but there isn't time to do that now. So I just have to hope they hit on the right things.

I spoke with my professor to explain what has been going on with class and everything and all she said was, "thank you for this detailed explanation. I will start working on your letter." So I have no idea what she'll write. Hopefully it is something helpful. Her and her class may be the biggest barriers to convincing the board that I genuinely have a disability. *sigh* Whatever happened to the days when medical professionals actually made decisions? If it's not insurance companies, it's schools.

I've told the Washington program that I will for sure be attending in the Winter. Sooner or later I need to bring up the issue of accommodations, in terms of housing and academics, and I know I should do it sooner rather than later, but ten months in advance seems a little bit excessive. I don't know. I am just afraid they'll be like "ohhhh maybe you shouldn't come after all." I don't know how to explain it in a way that won't make them think they can't work with me.

So I have yet again not slept (surprise!), so this will not be particularly lengthy or coherent, but I find it very annoying when people with asperger's act as if they are all superior to people with HFA. Some will go so far to justify it that they will make up completely bullshit "symptoms" of HFA which do not even exist just to separate them from me.

It really kind of makes me want to be like YEAH TREATING PEOPLE THAT WAY IS WHY YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS, but that would be insensitive and probably at least mostly inaccurate. So I don't. But I would probably be trying to befriend them if they weren't such assholes about this, and now I am not. So it's at least partly true.

But it is incredibly annoying. If we want to play the divisive game, if anything I am more high functioning than they are, but they act as if I am incapable of being a successful person and that I must have a lower IQ because good god, I have AUTISM!!!! Nevermind that they are BOTH AUTISM, and nevermind that I am actually going to school and in a relationship and not emotionally manipulating my friends by spending hours on end online insisting I am going to kill myself to fish for compliments. The few that are at least remotely rational insist that I must have had that speech delay and that is just a huge freaking deal, but I actually didn't even have a speech delay and it isn't even a big deal anyway. So whatever. (Then there are those that say they "can just tell" when someone has HFA and when they have Asperger's. Okay!)

Dear Aspies,

Stop being mean. Having autism does not give you an excuse to be indiscriminately douchey. Sometimes we are all just douchey and we can't help it, because sometimes we don't know or understand when we are being douchey, but some of you are behaving EXCEPTIONALLY douchey and it is really just not okay. Try a little harder. Some of you really do know better. Some of you don't, and you're forgiven. But some of you do.

Kthxbai




I suppose as someone who IS functional enough to know better I am probably obligated to let it go when I run into people who aren't. But I have a hard time believing that every one of them is really that irrational. I can't be the only one like me. It's hard to tell what standard to hold these people to. I'm hesitant to let go of any and all standards like it seems I need to do to not get annoyed, because that doesn't seem fair to either of us, but then I don't know where to draw the line either. It isn't as though people with autism aren't capable of being assholes just for the sake of being assholes if they feel like it like everyone else. I dunno.

I am just very, very annoyed.

I just got this in my email....

""Live up to your message in the Bachelor of General Studies thread. Your mental health is at stake.

Please do as you said and just live life in there here in now and not online anymore.

You have spent an eternity claiming to have different LD's and whatnot just to get out of your Spanish classes. You bowed out of this silly web site like a Queen when more than one person called you out on a fair amount of what most anyone would refer to as fibbing.

I am sorry for having a good memory, btw. My memory is a blessing and a curse sometimes. For you, it is obviously a curse, but if you were not so keen on lying it wouldn't be.

Please just man up and do whatever you have to do to earn your University degree.

There is no way in God's green Earth that the majority of the claims you have made against the university are true at all and I also doubt that you are truly LD or have Asberger's at all.

It is obvious that you have spent an eternity on this web site racking your brain trying to figure out how you can get out of your Spanish requirements because you personaly do not think you should have to fufill them at all.

The persona you have created for yourself on this web site is fine and well. But the persona you have created on this web site is truly based upon your incessant lying because you personally do not wish to work with what your University has offered you period so you create more and more scenarios and various LD's and all of that online. This is not the real world, dear. This is online. No one in the real world would take your claims seriously and that is more than likely why your University did not at all.

The second someone calls ou out on your fibbing you freak out. But, shucks! All you have done is fib and fib and fib, so what do you expect.

Your University obviously made the right call. You will not accept it come heck or high water and are making excuses online to get out of what you should be doing in reality. Do you understand what I mean? You cannot circumvent the reality of your situation by fibbing online.

Move on.

And yes, drama queen, your future is very much at stake.

Personally I am tired to death of logging onto this web site and just having it be inevitable that you are fibbing and high jacking more and more threads about your shape shifting sotry of doom at the UofM.

So, I am done with this web site because of you and what little you are."


Awesome. Just awesome.



On a brighter note, I found out today that I will be interning from January to April in Washington DC. I am completely terrified to be alone for that long, and with no friends or relatives anywhere nearby, but I am excited anyway. I am obviously pretty kickass. Hopefully my grades don't drop, or I won't be allowed to go. And hopefully this opportunity will make law schools focus less on my grades. And hopefully my lack of independent life skills won't be the death of me. And hopefully I can acquire enough suits and pieces of luggage and gift cards to dry cleaning places before then. I will miss my boyfriend terribly.

"I think we all can observe that you try to use your disability to gain sympathy from others, but as soon as people point out what you are able to do you strike back hard at them."

I am so incredibly sick of this. I work so hard. So much harder than other people. With little to no complaint. Sure my family, probably my roommate, and my blog get an earful, nobody else knows what I do to myself to just barely cling to keeping up with others my age. And people think I am just trying to get sympathy? UGGGH.

My mom brought up an interesting point today. She suggested that perhaps because I speak and write so eloquently (her words, not mine), it makes it hard for people to believe I am disabled. Boyfriend agrees and said it probably makes it seem like I am lazy when I struggle with my things. It almost makes me wonder if life would be easier if I were mentally handicapped. Because apparently you can't be smart and disabled, and I am going to be fighting to prove what I can't do just to be allowed to do what I can do for the rest of my life. I DON'T want sympathy, I just want the world to let me do what I am good at.

On that note, the disabilities office said that I should re-petition, but they weren't optimistic about how it would go. He suggested I give up my major and become a bachelor of general studies instead so I wouldn't need a language. I will be really hurt if it comes to that. I've worked hard to earn my political science degree, and I have all but finished it already. It's just this stupid Spanish class.

I love it when people who have no clue what they are talking about try to tell people who do know what they are talking about what they should be doing.

"Asperberger's"

Seriously.

Haven't managed to call the disabilities office yet. I suck. So tomorrow I guess I'll just call and ask if I can be fit in that day. I also have to find the office of the registrar to drop a class, and call the athletic office to see about getting season hockey tickets for next year.

I saw this today in a forum and really liked. The person who wrote it is a mother of a college student with asperger's.

"Let's say I'm bemoaning the fact that my child always comes in last in the hundred meter dash. You might say that lots of people can't run fast - he may not be training, he may be wearing ill fitting shoes, he may be eating the wrong foods, he may be hungover on race days, he may be obese, he may not be a hard worker, he may not have the self motivation to push himself. Then I say, "he broke his leg and he's on crutches." Once you have that information, you don't keep saying, "he doesn't have the motivation, he's not working hard enough." You realize that there is a reason he can't run fast.

Executive function disorder is the reason these kids have so much trouble. "

So, tomorrow I am going to try to go to the disabilities office in the hopes that they will have some grand master plan to help me not fail, and that they will help me convince my Spanish professor not to sabotage my petition. I only sleep about three hours from Monday to Thursday to keep up with my classes, it is backfiring (duh), and I need my professors to realize I am NOT missing classes because I am slacking off. We'll see if that works out. I have to convince the disabilities office I am not just screwing around. :\

So, the romance languages department at my school does not accommodate disabilities, so if you feel that you have one that makes you incapable of passing the requirement you must petition the academic standards board for a waiver or substitution of the requirement, and include with your petition the following materials:

- Letter from any previous language faculuty
- Documentation of disability from diagnosing physician, and a letter from them as well
- Modern Languages Aptitude Test (essentially a dyslexia and auditory processing deficiency test)
- Letter to Board explaining the reason for the petition


I did this earlier in the year because I have processing deficiencies all across the board, including auditory, that are associated with a plethora of learning disabilities (as well as ADHD, which I believe isn't technically classified as an LD.) At the time I didn't know I had autism..\

Even though everything I submitted made a strong case for a substitution, they ignored everything to focus on my MLAT score. I scored in the 40th percentile (of all women who take the test, that's how it's measured) on the MLAT and that was too high.

This was three months ago, and I have continued in Spanish. It continually kicks my ass and though I THINK I will pass this class, I don't think I will be able to pass the next two courses in the sequence. I am barely clinging to this course and won't have the background to move on. This is the third time I have taken this class.

Today I discovered that our final oral exam will consist of myself and a partner being told a topic of conversation at the time of our exam, with no chance to prep, and then we have to "engage in a conversational manner" and "make small talk" and "sustain normal conversation" and "ask appropriate questions and use appropriate tone of voice" for seven minutes. This is graded jointly. Anyone see the problem?

I asked someone at the disabilities office WTF I am suppose to do now, and he said to repetition and add the information about autism. So I guess I am going to do that. But I am still waiting for the center to mail me my documentation, and my oral final is next week, so I doubt I can complete the process before then. Furthermore, now that I've had almost a full semester with a new Spanish professor they are going to want to have a letter from her too, and I have been sick all semester so I have five unexcused absences (which personally I think isn't that bad for 11 weeks of a 4 day a week class, but I digress) and she is probably going to mention that and then the board will think I am just not trying and I'll lose. And we don't really have any forced conversations outside of this exam, I just don't get to volunteer to participate in class much, so she hasn't even witnessed the behavior I am describing AND if I pass the oral final they will use it against me. So in order to not be stuck in classes I am doomed to fail next year, I have to fail this final. There is no way to win this. Uggggh. I don't know what to do.

Independence

There is an "Independent Life Skills Assessment" in my workbook, which I took, and the results were a bit alarming. I am much further behind than I had anticipated. Nobody can tell, or at least most people can't, because I am using pure horsepower to compensate, but sooner or later I am going to run out of energy to do that and will need real skills in order to survive independently.

Here are the results of my assessment...

Key: A - Always F - Frequently O - Occasionally N - Never

Gets up on own - R
Washes - F
Showers - F
Brushes teeth - F
Combs hair - A
Wears clean clothes - O
Eats - A
Takes medicine - A
Seeks medical care - O
Dresses appropriately for weather - A
Able to remember basic tasks/messages - O
Keeps track of belongings - F
Able to drive or take public transportation - R
Able to get to destination on time - O

Records assignments - R
Completes assignments - R
Hands in assignments - F
On time with virtually no assistance - R
May require accommodations but not monitoring/prodding - O
Is aware of some learning needs - A
Able to advocate for self or obtain an advocate - A
Able to follow academic rules - A
Will follow teacher instruction - A

Uses appropriate greetings with eye contact - F
Able and willing to communicate needs and questions - A
Affect matches circumstances - F
Able to control: Obsessions - R
Self-Stimulation - F
inappropriate responses/meltdowns - A
Able to engage in small talk - R
Able to: begin conversations - F
sustain conversations - O
terminate conversation - R

Able to engage with helping adults other than parents - A
Aware of others to extent that actions and behaviors do not adversely affect them - F
Understands basics of relationships, such as levels and associated rules, the concept or reciprocity, etc. - O


Using that as a guide, I have written myself the following to post on my wall:

Goals

1. Get more sleep.
2. Improve class attendance and overall grades.
3. More time for boyfriend.
4. More time for me.
5. Reduce stress.

Helpful Behaviors

1. Getting up on time.
2. Going to class.
3. Finishing homework in a timely fashion.
4. Taking breaks when they are needed.
5. Keeping myself and my living space orderly.
6. Writing down things that need to be done.
7. Getting chores done.
8. Journaling progress.

Hurtful Behaviors

1. Staying up all night.
2. Spending hours on the internet.
3. Procrastination.
4. Wasting breaks during the day.
5. Trying to do too much.
6. Spending too much money.
7. Losing my patience.

My hope is that by reducing or eliminating the hurtful behaviors, I will have more room in my life to complete the helpful behaviors as I should be. I am thinking after a month or two I will retake the assessment and see how I do. The book suggests anything ranked O or below needs work. We'll just have to see how I do. At this rate I don't know that I'll be able to maintain employment when I am totally out on my own, and I need to be able to do that in order to be independent. Right now I am just scraping by and I can't live like this forever.

I am going through a workbook for young adults with HFA, which is designed to help you identify your strengths and weaknesses, and your goals, and to help you work with those strengths and weaknesses to achieve your goals. (Asperger's Syndrome A Users Manual 2 for Older Adolescents and Adults, by Ellen S. Heller Korin M.Ed) I am finding it to be highly enlightening, but at the same time it is annoying. In order to meet some of my goals, I have to learn how to not seem autistic. I have to learn how to pretend. But one of the best parts of finding out about my autism is that the pressure to pretend to be something I am not is lifted, at least to some degree. I still must not behave like an asshole, but I don't have feelings of guilt and inadequacy because of my "weirdness" anymore. I feel like now I have a license to be weird without having to feel bad about it, if that's what I am, and apparently that IS what I am. There are some areas of weakness that I do need to work on, like time management and impulsivity. But making myself dress in ways that I think are stupid and talk in ways that feel strange to me just to get neurotypical people to like me? That just seems to go against everything we are brought up in this society to believe about self esteem. I thought others were supposed to accept me, not that i have to TRAIN myself to be "normal" so those around me will find me less repulsive. I don't understand. I am sure I will have to meet in the middle somewhere in order to be successful person, but I don't know where that middle is or how to find it.

Myers Briggs Test

Today I took a Myers Briggs test. A lot of these traits are things that I have because of my autism, so it shows that it's not all bad.

Rational Portrait of the Mastermind (INTJ)

All Rationals are good at planning operations, but Masterminds are head and shoulders above all the rest in contingency planning. Complex operations involve many steps or stages, one following another in a necessary progression, and Masterminds are naturally able to grasp how each one leads to the next, and to prepare alternatives for difficulties that are likely to arise any step of the way. Trying to anticipate every contingency, Masterminds never set off on their current project without a Plan A firmly in mind, but they are always prepared to switch to Plan B or C or D if need be.
Masterminds are rare, comprising no more than, say, one percent of the population, and they are rarely encountered outside their office, factory, school, or laboratory. Although they are highly capable leaders, Masterminds are not at all eager to take command, preferring to stay in the background until others demonstrate their inability to lead. Once they take charge, however, they are thoroughgoing pragmatists. Masterminds are certain that efficiency is indispensable in a well-run organization, and if they encounter inefficiency-any waste of human and material resources-they are quick to realign operations and reassign personnel. Masterminds do not feel bound by established rules and procedures, and traditional authority does not impress them, nor do slogans or catchwords. Only ideas that make sense to them are adopted; those that don't, aren't, no matter who thought of them. Remember, their aim is always maximum efficiency.

In their careers, Masterminds usually rise to positions of responsibility, for they work long and hard and are dedicated in their pursuit of goals, sparing neither their own time and effort nor that of their colleagues and employees. Problem-solving is highly stimulating to Masterminds, who love responding to tangled systems that require careful sorting out. Ordinarily, they verbalize the positive and avoid comments of a negative nature; they are more interested in moving an organization forward than dwelling on mistakes of the past.

Masterminds tend to be much more definite and self-confident than other Rationals, having usually developed a very strong will. Decisions come easily to them; in fact, they can hardly rest until they have things settled and decided. But before they decide anything, they must do the research. Masterminds are highly theoretical, but they insist on looking at all available data before they embrace an idea, and they are suspicious of any statement that is based on shoddy research, or that is not checked against reality.

This is going to sound quite strange, but I think I actually love having autism. It is amazing to suddenly stumble into a world full of people who think just the way I do, after 20 years wandering through life wondering what was wrong with everyone else. Suddenly the world makes sense, and I belong somewhere.

"I will be different, but I will not be weak. "

"Do you get a problem of people tricking you? I would have people telling me that I could do something and phone them when I was doing it etc so I would get into trouble. They were talking to me about kite flying and that it would be a good hobby for me. So I bought a kite to try. They were telling me to phone them when I was going. I did and they asked me where I was going to fly it in the park. I thought they were coming there to fly a kite with me. Instead I didn't know that there was a new bylaw that people couldn't fly kites in the park. (stupid). So the police did show up there. He asked me if it was fighting kite (which was why all kites were banned). I said no but he cut the string and I lost my kite. I was really upset but I could have got a fine.

I actually think it would be better not to have any friends then. Because these people told me to fly a kite on purpose when they knew it was illegal. "

That just makes me really sad.

Steps To Happiness

Author - Unknown


Everybody Knows,
You can’t be all things to all people,
You can’t do all things at once,
You can’t do all things equally well,
You can’t do all things better than everyone else,
Your humanity is showing just like everyone else’s.

So,
You have to find out who you are, and be that,
You have to decide what comes first, and do that,
You have to discover your strengths, and use them,
You have to learn not to compete with others,
Because no one else is in the contest of “being you.”

Then,
You will have learned to accept your own uniqueness,
You will have learned to set priorities and make decisions,
You will have learned to live with your limitations,
You will have learned to give yourself the respect that is due,
And you’ll be a most vital mortal.

Dare To Believe,
That you are a wonderful, unique person,
That you are a once-in-all-of-history event,
That it’s more than a right, it’s your duty, to be who you are,
That life is not a problem to solve, but a gift to cherish,
And you’ll be able to stay one up on what used to get you down.

On NTs who judge aspies for their "strange" behaviors...

"The more I am exposed to such behaviour, the more I begin to believe that people like this are very jealous that we are able to live our lives and indulge in our hobbies.
Life is too short to attempt living by a "standard".

Dear World,

1. You cannot use the successes of students with LDs against them to keep them from getting accommodations. That is bullshit. The current standard is if there is ANY WAY POSSIBLE to pass the class without accommodations, then you don't deserve accommodations. That is all well and good except for the fact that many of these kids are so determined not to fail that they go literally days on end without eating or sleeping just barely trying to hold on to a passing grade. If the student can get a passing grade by forgoing sleep for a week, that is not normal or acceptable. That student is still at an extreme disadvantage and needs accommodations in order to be successful-- because eventually those students who work that hard end up in the hospital or out of school with no degree. You cannot just consider the successes, you have to consider the processes involved.

2. Learning disabilities are complicated. Learning difficulties themselves are all fluid and interconnected, and though we have nice cookie cutter names set out for some collections of symptoms, the brain doesn't really work that way and we only tried to make it that way for insurance purposes in the first place. Just because "dyscalculia" is named for a math term and is considered primarily to affect math does not mean it does not affect anything else or that nothing else can affect math. People look at a complicated web of disabilities and think a student is just trying to make excuses. No, you idiot, THE BRAIN is a complicated web and when disabilities are present that creates further mess. That does not mean you can ignore my disabilities because there isn't one set name for each and every difficulty I have, it doesn't work that way. Just because it confuses you does not mean it is not legitimate. This concept is not astrophysics, get a life and actually think before you open your mouth. Seriously.

I am reading a list of hacks for the Sims 2 to remove certain annoying sim behaviors and am finding alarming similarities between Sims and people with autism. XD

Self-Affirmation Pledge of Those With Asperger's Syndrome -- Liane Holliday Willey

- I am not defective. I am different.

- I will not sacrifice myself-worth for peer acceptance.

- I am a good and interesting person.

- I will take pride in myself.

- I am capable of getting along with society.

- I will ask for help when I need it.

- I am a person who is worthy of others' respect and acceptance.

- I will find a career interest that is well suited to my abilities and interests.

- I will be patient with those who need time to understand me.

- I am never going to give up on myself.

- I will accept myself for who I am.


Some of those are hard. Bleh.